


Home Is Wherever I'm With You

by inner_tempest



Category: The Halcyon (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 03:08:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28556634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inner_tempest/pseuds/inner_tempest
Summary: It was time to go home.
Relationships: Adil Joshi/OMC, Toby Hamilton/Adil Joshi
Comments: 3
Kudos: 3





	Home Is Wherever I'm With You

**Author's Note:**

> This is my giant Adil-centric fic experiment!  
> Adil is my favorite character, and I don't think he gets enough love. So here's me loving him in the most angsty way possible.
> 
> I had a lot of fun with this. I hope you guys enjoy too!
> 
> Adil and Toby are not mine. The rest are, but I'll share 'em if you're nice. ;)

After the Halcyon had been bombed and Adil had attempted suicide, he decided he couldn’t stay in London anymore. Toby had saved him, but it just wasn’t enough. Not since it was because of Toby that Adil had tried to kill himself at all. Adil needed to escape. To leave it all behind him. It wasn’t easy. He loved his work at the Halcyon. He loved Toby, even though he knew they could never make it work. Not after everything.

It was time to go home.

Telling Toby had been one of the hardest things Adil had ever had to do in his life. And, as expected, Toby tried to change Adil’s mind. He listed the reasons for Adil to stay, begged him, insisted he couldn’t do it without him. But all Adil had to do was remind his former lover about what happened. It had shut Toby up pretty quickly.

His parents were already ecstatic he was coming home, even if they didn’t know the circumstances. Adil had just told them that things weren’t working out in London. He added in a bit about the Blitz, about what had happened at the Halcyon, as if that was a deciding factor as well. It wasn’t. Adil would live through it all if Toby was with him. If what had happened… _hadn’t_ have happened.

Adil had left Toby with a soft kiss and a promise that he’d be okay. At that point, Toby was utterly defeated. It broke Adil’s heart, but he knew it was for the best. Toby would be okay, he told himself. He’d find someone, someone better than Adil. A handsome man, if he didn’t end up forced into marriage. Adil would never forget Toby. Toby would move on.

There wasn’t much in his flat to pack, so Adil ended up on the train with three suitcases. Bristol was only about two and a half hours away, but the distance already felt like it stretched on forever.

***

When Asha and Mukul came to pick Adil up from the train station, they were as doting as Adil had always remembered them being. His father helped with his bags while his mother hugged him tight, telling him he was too thin. Adil forced a smile onto his face even though he felt empty inside.

He couldn’t help himself, and Toby crossed Adil’s mind. What was he doing right now? It was a Saturday, so he wasn’t at work. About dinner time, so perhaps he was dining with his mother. Was she as concerned as Asha was for Adil? Perhaps Toby was hiding it all better. Maybe he didn’t feel like Adil did at all. Adil had disappeared.

Perhaps it was for the best. Toby would be fine.

The Joshi’s flat was small, as they’d never been able to afford much. Priya had had her own room, but Adil had shared with Dhani until he left for London. Now that Priya was married and out of the house, Adil would move into her old room, at least until he was able to afford a place of his own. He had stressed to his parents that living with them was only temporary, which they accepted graciously. As far as they were concerned, it was much safer and better for Adil here than in London.

As soon as Adil went into the flat, Dhani came to the door, grinning widely. He had always admired his older brother. “Adil!” he cried excitedly. “You’re home!”

“Home,” the word didn’t sound right, but Adil hoisted a smile onto his face. “Look at you, Dhani! You’ve gotten so tall!”

Adil and Dhani helped Mukul bring Adil’s bags in, putting them in Priya’s old room. Adil thought about the nights he had spent there, crying to his sister as he discovered who he was. Priya had never judged him for being a homosexual. She loved him no matter what. But Adil didn’t dare tell anyone else. Especially now, after everything that had happened.

“Priya and Jayadev are coming over for dinner tonight,” Asha said when Adil came back into the tiny den. Adil had only met his sister’s husband at their wedding, but he had always seemed nice enough. Asha patted her son’s face. “Look at you, Adil. You look like you could use some care. And food…I made all your favorites tonight…when was the last time you had some actual food, eh?” she started in the direction of the kitchen. “This English food is too bland,” she called out. “Go get comfortable, I’ll call you when dinner is ready.”

Dhani looked ready to ambush his brother, but a look from their father stopped him in his tracks. Adil was appreciative of this, as he headed off to his room.

Adil stood in the center of the room, looking around. Asha must have cleaned it up some, since Adil was sure it hadn’t been used since Priya moved out three years ago and there was a scent of cleanliness. Slowly, Adil opened his suitcases, deliberately moving things into drawers. Everything about this felt _wrong_. Being back in Bristol, living with his parents and younger brother.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Adil buried his face in his hands. Why couldn’t he have been _normal_? Married to a nice Indian woman, perhaps with children. He’d work at a good bar or restaurant, be able to provide for a family. In a perfect world, he would _have_ a family like that.

But no. Adil had to be a homosexual. He had to go and fall in love with Toby Hamilton. And be loved back, before everything went up in flames.

Asha and Mukul had been begging Adil to get married for years now. They insisted he needed a loving wife to take care of him, to love him and him to love. Maybe he should…try.

As soon as the thought crossed Adil’s mind, it made him sick. How could he even think that? How could he even think about doing that to some woman? No, Adil would just deal with it all. He’d let his parents try to convince him…it would be easier once he found a place of his own. Obviously he’d still see his parents, but at least he wouldn’t be living with them.

There was a soft knock on the door. “Adil?”

Adil had never been happier to hear Priya’s voice. He strode over to the door, yanking it open. “Priya!” he threw his arms around her in a tight hug.

“Oh, Adil,” the woman hugged him back. “When mum and dad said you were coming home…what happened?”

Adil’s eyes darted to the door. Priya nodded, shutting it before leading the both of them over to the bed. “Jayadev?” Adil asked under his breath.

“I told everyone you and I needed some quick catch-up time. Tell me everything.”

For a moment, Adil had no idea how to do so. But Priya didn’t know about any of it, so he figured he’d start simple. “I had a lover,” he said softly, looking at his hands. Priya took them, holding them tight. It gave Adil strength. “One of the sons of the owner of the hotel I worked at. Aristocracy,” he tried to ignore Priya’s gasp. “It just sort of happened, and…and it was amazing, Priya. It was. And then we got caught.”

“ _What_?”

Adil pushed through. “He started blackmailing me. Information from where Toby worked in the war office. You would have all been deported, Priya! All of us would, except Dhani, of course. I didn’t know what else to do…I couldn’t let that happen to you. Especially because of _my_ unnatural acts.

“But then Toby got taken in for questioning. And I…there was nothing I could do to convince him, even when I told him I loved him. He told me to disappear, so I…I…” Adil squeezed Priya’s hands. “I tried to kill myself, Priya,” Adil’s voice was barely above a whisper, the tremor heavy.

“Adil, _no_!”

“Toby was the one who saved me. The night the Halcyon was hit. He told me he loved me and…” Adil took a shaky breath in. “But it just wasn’t enough. I love him so much, Priya,” tears were dripping down Adil’s face. “And he loves me. But it’s just not enough. I had to go, I had to get far away from London. From the Halcyon. From Toby.”

Priya’s eyes were filling with tears as well. “God, Adil. I can’t believe you…thank God you’re still here…” she pulled Adil into a tight embrace. “Do you think there’s any chance…”

Adil gave a half shrug. “Probably not. He was too good for my anyway.”

“Don’t say that, Adil!”

“Plenty of servants have fallen in love with their masters. He’ll be fine without me.”

Priya’s mouth was a thin line; she was obviously deep in thought. “Not from what you’ve said,” she finally said gently.

“It doesn’t matter,” Adil said dully. “It’s over now.”

“There’s a bar,” Priya lowered her voice. “For men like you. You should go. Find someone. Obviously you weren’t meant to be with Toby if this is what happened.”

Adil wanted to fight her, but he didn’t have it in him. Instead, he plastered on a smile. “Sure. Just tell me where it is and how to get in,” he didn’t ask his sister how she even knew about the bar. Some things were better left like that. Priya stared intently at her brother. Adil knew the look, it was the specific stare she gave him when she knew he was faking a smile.

Thank God, she didn’t say anything more. “Come on, mum will yell at us if we’re up here too long and the food goes cold.”

That brought a small smile to Adil’s face. “She will, won’t she?”

Priya gave Adil another squeeze before they got up. It was like being a teenager again, Adil spilling all his secrets to Priya and then pretending with their family like nothing had passed.

Even with everything that had happened, Adil had never felt so small.

***

Priya’s bed was old and worn, but it was still nicer than Adil’s bed in his flat in London. Despite not having gotten to sleep until late, Adil had slept well, and was surprised to see it was shortly after nine when he woke up. The man couldn’t even remember the last time he had slept in so late.

After taking a bath and getting ready for the day, Adil walked the short hall to the kitchen. Asha and Mukul were sitting at the small table, having tea. Mukul was reading the paper, but Asha jumped up when Adil came into the room.

“How did you sleep, Adil?” she sounded so concerned it almost hurt Adil. He had forgotten just how strong his parents’ accents were.

“Fine,” he said with a tight smile. “You should have woken me.”

“You needed the sleep,” Asha cooed, patting Adil’s cheek. “Would you like coffee or tea? Let me make you some breakfast.”

Adil certainly wasn’t going to say no to that. “Coffee would be wonderful.”

It was odd sitting at this table as a grown man. It had been the same table the Joshi’s had had for as long as Adil could remember. “Dhani left early for school, but he was saying something about taking you around town,” Mukul lowered his paper as he spoke to his son.

“What is there to see? I grew up here too.”

“Things have changed, _beta_ ,” Asha said warmly. “A lot.”

She put a cup of coffee in front of Adil. He mixed in cream and a small amount of sugar.

_“Sugar sort of defeats the purpose of coffee, Adil,” Toby teased his lover as he watched him prepare his coffee. “It’s meant to be dark and bitter.”_

_“I can’t drink it dark and bitter. I like it with sugar.”_

_“Stop wasting my coffee, then!”_

_Adil laughed. “Well then maybe I should stop bringing it up to you as well. I’m sure we can find someone who likes it dark and bitter.”_

“Adil? Adil?”

Adil looked up, his mother’s face close to his and creased with worry. “S-sorry,” he mumbled. “Lost myself for a moment, there.”

Asha and Mukul looked worried, exchanging a glance. “Adil-”

“I’m going to start looking for a job today,” Adil said quickly, not wanting to go down that particular road. “There are still some bars and hotels in town, right?”

“Some very nice ones,” Mukul said. At some point, he had put down the paper entirely. “I’m sure you’ll be able to find work. You have a lot of experience now.”

Thinking of the Halcyon made Adil’s head and heart hurt. He had come to Bristol to forget all of that. Of course, only Priya knew the whole story, and his parents wouldn’t think anything about mentioning the Halcyon, or the experience that Adil had gotten working there. Nonetheless, it was like a dagger to his heart. Adil didn’t want to think about the Halcyon. He didn’t want to think about Toby…Toby’s hotel room…Toby…

Adil snapped himself out of his thoughts. No thinking about the Halcyon. No thinking about Toby. “Yes, the experience I got working at…” he couldn’t even bring himself to say it. “It will look good to employers.”

He fixed his coffee silently, and accepted the plate of eggs and toast his mother placed in front of him. Adil had the sharpened observation skills of a practiced bartender, he could see how concerned his parents were. But he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. Asha and Mukul could never know what happened. It was entirely for the best.

That just meant Adil had to work on his zoning out. He didn’t want his parents to catch on to anything _actually_ being wrong. Their concern was more than enough. There was so much Adil wanted to say, of course. But he just…couldn’t.

The flat was on the very edge of town. Close enough that Adil could comfortably walk in. So he donned his nicest suit and tie, and the black shoes that had been part of his uniform at the Halcyon. They were uncomfortable, especially for walking, but the only other shoes Adil owned were ratty and worn in, and he couldn’t afford to look that unprofessional.

Mukul had gone to work by the time Adil was ready, so he just kissed his mother on the cheek and went out into a world he hadn’t seen for countless years.

***

“The Halcyon, eh?” the man wiping down the counter of a nice bar in town said when Adil mentioned it. “I heard of it. Got hit by a bomb recently, right?”

“Right.”

“Were you there?”

“I…” Adil shook his head. “I was elsewhere. I would have died if I had been there.”

Of course, he had almost died elsewhere too.

“Well,” the man looked up, looking over Adil.

Adil knew the look. He had already seen it in three bars. The look that he wasn’t going to get hired because he was an Indian man. That there was no place there for a person with darker skin.

“It’s just me right now,” the man said. “I could use another hand. Why don’t you come in tonight and I can see how you do. We’ll talk afterwards,” he held out his hand. “Clarence Joy,” the man introduced himself.

Adil shook his hand. “Adil Joshi.”

“’t’sa pleasure, Adil.”

A strange sensation bubbled up in Adil’s chest. Happiness, perhaps? Relief? Joy? Whatever it was, it was something Adil hadn’t felt in some time. “Yes, alright,” Adil said with a smile. “That sounds good.”

“Get here around six. Full suit.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I’ll see you then.”

“Yes, sir.”

So maybe things would be okay in Bristol. The bar was nice…Adil wouldn’t have settled for a grubby one. That had worked in the past, but he was beyond that by now. Clarence seemed nice enough, and it was nice that he didn’t seem to care about Adil’s skin color. That didn’t happen often enough.

Adil walked slowly back to his parent’s house, looking around at the town he had grown up in. His mother was right…things had changed a lot. Nothing felt right anymore…every fiber of Adil’s being said he should go back to London.

But the Halcyon was in London.

Toby was in London.

Bristol was home now. Adil just had to get over himself and accept that fact.

***

The Clarion was a nice bar to work out, and Clarence was a great boss. Adil had passed the test with flying colors and had started work right away. It was the same sort of crowd he had served at the Halcyon, so Adil knew how to handle them, how to work with them. There were a couple waiters and a younger boy who mostly grabbed bottles when they were needed, and Adil liked everyone well enough. Not that he was trying to make friends at the moment.

Adil had been working at The Clarion for two weeks when he first went to the secret bar Priya had told him about. He hadn’t been sure at first, wasn’t sure he could even do it. But perhaps his sister was right…obviously Toby wasn’t the right man for him, so the right one was somewhere out there.

The bar was surprisingly light for a hidden bar. Obviously there were no windows or anything, but the designers had tried to make it as cheery as possible. It wasn’t as ritzy as The Clarion, but it was still nice.

Adil went up to the bar and ordered a whisky. He stood awkwardly as the drink was handed to him, and he turned.

_“Toby, you can’t just stand at the bar staring at me all night.”_

_“But Adil…I’m so good at being discreet! No one can tell! I like staring at you. I like when you’re mixing drinks…and shaking drinks…and then I just think about your arms…”_

_“This is exactly the problem, you know.”_

_“I wouldn’t call it a_ problem. _”_

“Haven’t seen you around here.”

Adil was shaken from his reverie by a handsome man who was standing beside him. He had dark hair and hazel eyes…he sort of reminded Adil of Toby. The thought was both tempting and disgusting. Adil tried to compose himself, not think about the lead in his stomach and his heart in his throat.

“First time,” Adil said. “I only recently moved back to Bristol.”

“You left Bristol and you _came back_?” the man had a very nice smile. And Adil found he couldn’t help from smiling as well.

“I was in London. Have you been to London recently? Lots of bombs.”

The man laughed. “I suppose that’s a good reason to come back to Bristol,” he held out his hand to Adil. “Bernard Brant.”

Adil shook his hand. “Adil Joshi.”

“Nice to meet you, Adil Joshi,” Bernard raised his glass. “And to have you safely in Bristol.”

As the night progressed, Adil felt less and less pain, though he wondered if a part of that was the alcohol. Occasionally his mind would drift back to Toby, but then he just reminded himself that this was how he was going to get over his ex-lover. He didn’t necessarily want any actual relationship, but there were ways to do this.

“Would you like to come back to mine?” Bernard raised an eyebrow as last calls were made.

Adil did. He _really_ did. But that was the whisky talking…not to mention his parents would wonder where he was if he didn’t come down for breakfast in the morning.

“I…can’t,” Adil looked down, shame flooding through him. “I’m living with my parents for the time being, and-”

Bernard took a notebook and pen from his pocket, scribbling something down. He handed the note to Adil…on it was a phone number and address.

“Then call me when you _can_ come over. I’d like to continue this.”

For a terrifying moment, Adil wasn’t sure if he did or not. But he took the note. Besides, if he came back to the bar, he would run into Bernard again anyway.

_You’re supposed to be getting over Toby_ , his mind reminded him. “Yes,” he finally said, tucking the note in his pocket. “I will.”

Bernard pressed a soft kiss to Adil’s lips. “Until the next time.”

Once out in the chilly winter air, the pain _did_ hit Adil. He walked home, hunched over himself and praying that this would get easier. But he couldn’t live his life like this, hanging desperately to the memory of Toby. Toby was out of his life for good, and Adil had to keep living anyway.

***

Adil saw Bernard regularly for the next couple months, with their meetings increasing once Adil moved out of his parents’ home. And although Adil know Bernard wanted more from him than the very much not serious dalliances, the man couldn’t bring himself to do anything more than that with the other.

It had been two and a half months. Adil still thought about Toby every day.

It wasn’t getting easier like it was supposed to.

Adil wrote letters to Toby. He kept them locked up in a drawer in his desk, thinking that maybe, _maybe_ he’d be brave enough to send one someday. In a way, he thought that might be a way to get over Toby. Perhaps it was self sabotage, then, that he didn’t dare send a letter.

And Adil kept seeing Bernard. He hated knowing how much he was hurting the other man by still keeping him at arm’s length, but for one of the first times in his life, Adil was feeling completely selfish. For someone who almost always put others before himself, it wasn’t the nicest feeling, but at the same time, Adil felt like he needed it.

Deserved it, even.

Until the fights started.

***

It was the end of April, 1941. It was beautiful out, and Adil and Bernard had gone out to a local park to picnic, putting on the appearance of two friends. But things were tense. They had been since the night before.

The two had been laying in Bernard’s bed. As Adil’s landlord watched his tenants like a hawk, Bernard’s flat was usually safer. They were curled up, just taking a moment of quiet after sex. Adil didn’t mind that part. The sex was…okay, but nothing mind blowing. It worked, especially if he just tried to clear his mind after.

“I love you, Adil.”

Adil’s half closed eyes opened, and he surged up, staring at Bernard. “ _What_?”

“I know you don’t see things that way, that you don’t…but I had to tell you. You had to hear.”

Everything suddenly went topsy turvy. Because it wasn’t supposed to be like that. Even though Bernard knew nothing about Toby, Adil was pretty sure he could never love someone the way he loved Toby. And he liked Bernard a lot, but not that much. Never that much.

“Bernard…”

“Why can’t I be enough?”

Adil stood, gathering his clothing and getting dressed in silence. Making sure he had everything, Adil left without another word to Bernard.

Bernard was due to meet Adil at his flat the next day for their picnic. Adil half expected Bernard not to show up, but he did. Their conversation wasn’t _terribly_ awkward, but they both avoided what had happened the night before. They sat outside, enjoying the nice day. The park was near Adil’s flat and was very nice. It reminded him a bit of Hyde Park, something that still made him miss London.

But his life was in Bristol now.

_“Someday we’re going to come to Hyde Park in the day. Have a nice little picnic.”_

_“You know we can’t do that, Toby. It’s too close to the hotel. Someone could see us, and how would we explain that away?”_

_“Right, as always. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Someday, maybe, Adil…”_

“Where do you go when you zone out like that?” Bernard asked Adil, breaking him from his memory.

“London,” Adil said simply, picking at his sandwich. “My old life.”

Bernard studied him. He was a very smart man. “If you miss it, why don’t you move back?”

His words were sharp, and they cut through Adil like a knife. There were things about Bristol he liked. Being near his family was very nice. There were much less bombs being dropped on them, though there were still some. He was even enjoying The Clarion.

The thing was…Bernard didn’t seem to make the list.

“My life is here now,” Adil said flatly. “There’s nothing for me there.”

No job at the Halcyon…Adil hoped Tom was promoted to head barman in Adil’s absence. No Toby…there was no way that could ever have worked. No dingy but comfortable flat. Nothing.

“Then move on,” Bernard said sharply. “You say your life is here, but you’re still stuck _there_.”

“It’s not like that,” Adil snapped.

“Why can’t you love me?” Bernard’s voice was low and dangerous. “You’re desperately holding on to someone else, aren’t you?”

“And if I am?”

“Then maybe you can stop pretending that I’m anything but a casual fuck.”

Adil stood, grabbing his jacket. “Yeah, maybe I should,” he snapped, turning to walk away.

“Adil,” Bernard’s voice sounded a lot more painful now. He had pushed Adil too far and he knew it. “Come on…don’t do this. Come back…”

But at that point, Adil wanted nothing to do with this. He wanted nothing to do with Bernard, his sharp words and his love for Adil. As angry as Adil was, he still had to walk away. Bernard deserved much better than Adil, he deserved someone who could love him for real, someone to properly be with. That person would _never_ be Adil. And…it did pain him, but at the same time, Adil figured it was for the best.

***

Adil called Bernard the next day, feeling absolutely miserable for losing his temper. He asked if they could get coffee, maybe talk about things. It was wrong…because Adil knew Bernard would do anything if Adil just asked, and _maybe_ he was taking advantage of that. Well, not _maybe_. He definitely was. But aside from his family, Adil had no one else here. And he would never love Bernard, but he was a person who meant something to Adil.

They sat down to coffee at a small cafe, both unsure of what came next. “I’m sorry about yesterday,” Adil finally said. “I lost my temper, and I…shouldn’t have.”

Bernard stared at Adil intently. “We’re finished, aren’t we Adil?”

Adil certainly wasn’t expecting Bernard to be so forward. After a moment, he nodded. “You were right. I am desperately holding on to someone else. And I wish…I wish so bad I could get over him. But I can’t right now, so this is how it has to be.”

An awful silence fell over them. There was still noise in the coffee shop, but neither of them could break the spell over the two of them. Adil had experienced plenty of silences in his time, but none was as tangibly _awful_ as this one.

“We’ll still see each other,” Bernard said softly. “At the bar.”

“It’s not like we can stop each either of us from going. But I understand if you just want to…ignore me. Maybe that would be easiest.”

It didn’t seem like the best situation, but it would have to do for now. After a moment, Bernard gave an empty smile and half hearted chuckle. “Do you think this is how straight people do it? Break up with each other?”

Adil wanted to say that they had never _technically_ been a couple, but he held his tongue. “I suppose so. We can’t be _that_ different from them.”

“I wish you the best, Adil.”

“And I you, Bernard.”

Walking away from the coffee shop, Adil had absolutely no clue what he was feeling. He didn’t want to draw things out with Bernard…it was best to end things before he did any more damage. Because getting over Toby Hamilton was a lot harder than Adil had anticipated. It had been…what, five months now? And Toby still haunted Adil. There were even times he thought about going back to London. Going back to Toby. But it wouldn’t do either of them any good…Toby had surely moved on by now, and Adil wouldn’t be able to bear seeing him with someone else.

When he got back to his flat, Adil called his parents, asking if he could come over for dinner that night. Asha and Mukul never seemed to mind when Adil asked to come over last minute. Even though they didn’t know what happened that brought Adil back to Bristol, they knew some terrible things had happened. They wanted to take care of their son the only way they really could.

Though even at dinner, Adil was distant. He didn’t even notice the worried glances his parents kept exchanging. Dhani was excitedly talking about school, though, so it was easier to just hide it all. Adil was glad to hear Dhani was so excited about school. Perhaps he would be the first Joshi child to go to uni. He could have a good life, a good career, a wonderful life and children. All the things Adil could never give to his parents.

“Adil,” Asha said, placing her hand gently on Adil’s arm as he started washing dishes. “What is going on, darling?”

“Nothing,” Adil said with a half smile. “Things have just been stressful.”

“You’re working too hard,” Asha glared, her hand on her hip. “You need a break, _beta_.”

“I’m fine, mama,” Adil insisted. “I love my job, and things are going really well for me here. Please don’t worry about me.”

“I’m your mother, of course I’m going to worry about you.”

Adil knew there was nothing he could say to fight that one. Instead he just let his mother worry over him, mostly blocking out everything she had to say. He heard it every time he was over. And from here, it was just a downhill slope until…

“When are you going to find a nice woman, eh?” Asha tilted her head. “You need someone to take care of you. Our neighbors, the Chadha’s have a daughter around your age. Her name is Lilavati, and she’s wonderful.”

Adil sighed softly, trying not to express too much frustration. “Not now, mama. I’m fine with how things are right now.”

Asha patted Adil’s cheek. “You can’t live this way forever, Adil. I just want to see you happy.

_“Mother is trying to set me up with another woman,” Toby had said into the still silence as the two men laid in bed, mostly unclothed._

_“When is she not?”_

_“I wish she would just leave it be. I’m happy like this. I’m happy with you.”_

_“You may not want me someday.”_

_“Don’t be ridiculous, Adil. I will always want you.”_

“Adil?”

Adil realized he had been lost in a memory again. “I’m sorry, mama. It’s been a long day.”

“Go get some rest, Adil. We love your company, but you need some time to yourself, too,” Asha kissed Adil’s cheek. “Go on, then.”

After saying goodnight to his father and Dhani, Adil headed back to his flat. It wasn’t too far from his parents’, and it was beautiful out, making the walk home quite enjoyable.

He didn’t even think about Bernard.

***

Technically, he shouldn’t have gotten involved with Bernard that deeply at all, Adil thought as he was falling asleep. He still risked his family getting deported for his unnatural acts by getting involved with any man. It was smart to keep his distance and not get involved. And that thought had nothing to do with the fact that he could never be emotionally involved with anyone other than Toby Hamilton.

***

Five months away from London and Adil was feeling more at home. His parent’s house hadn’t been home for long, and even his flat had been weird at first, but it felt…better, Adil supposed. Sometimes thoughts drifted through his head…like how he had never felt at home in Bristol, which was why he had moved to London at all. London had been home.

But it wasn’t anymore.

So maybe Adil didn’t have a home anymore. For now he was just sort of…drifting. If he couldn’t make Bristol his home again, he could just move somewhere else. Somewhere else in England. He was pretty sure he still had some family in India…maybe he would go there. That would certainly put distance between him and Toby.

_God_ …why was Adil even still thinking about Toby? He shouldn’t be, not now. But maybe five months just wasn’t enough. In all fairness, he and Toby had had something beautiful and spectacular. Adil was just being impatient, trying to get over Toby as quick as possible.

He kept going to the bar. Occasionally Adil would see Bernard, but they tended to avoid each other when their paths almost crossed. Of course, as he worked most nights at The Clarion, he didn’t get much of a chance to go out on his own. Maybe that was for the best, though. It still sort of hurt to go out, to see the other men in the nice secret bar, giving each other sly looks and quick propositions for sex.

Adil couldn’t even do that, though. Not after how badly everything had blown up with Bernard. A casual fuck could turn into attachments, and right now, Adil didn’t want attachments. So he didn’t risk it.

He flirted some. Let men buy him drinks. Adil had never seen another Indian man there, so he knew he was _exotic_ in a way. Toby used to tease him about that.

_“If only other men like us could see you. All gorgeous and exotic. They’d be all over you.”_

_“Just because you’re all pale doesn’t make me exotic.”_

_“My gorgeous, exotic Indian man. Now that I know what that’s like, how could I ever be with anyone else?”_

Adil was sure Toby was with someone else by now. He had moved on from Adil…probably quite quickly. After all, Adil had been his first love. That was all. Toby was a smart man. He would see that. Despite all his crying and insistence that Adil was the only one for him, it just couldn’t be the case. There were countless people out there that would be better for Toby than Adil had ever been. Than Adil could _ever_ be.

So at the end of May, Adil had his first one night stand. That man’s name was Timothy, though Adil was pretty sure it was a fake name. He didn’t give a real name either, just called himself Dhaval. The sex was boring, and when Timothy left Adil’s apartment, he broke down. He felt dirty, his whole body covered in itches he couldn’t scratch. Adil cried and cried, resigned to the fact that if he couldn’t even feel at home in his own body, he would never find home anywhere again.

***

It got easier, in some ways. June was beautiful, the weather pretty perfect. It also brought Adil’s birthday. He had given up on birthdays some time ago. It had been many years since Adil had done something for his birthday. His mother had always baked him a cake and his parents got him small gifts, but all that had ceased when he moved to London. Of course, he had to put his birthday on his papers once he started working, but no one paid any mind to it. He had already told his parents he was working that night, not wanting any sort of fuss over it all

Toby had wheedled the date out of him when they had been together, but since they had never been together in June, Toby had never gotten to use that information. That was okay. Adil didn’t feel up to celebrating much for years anyway.  
So he kept things quiet, told his parents he was working that night. The day came and went with nothing but a resolution and Adil feeling so much older than twenty-two.

The resolution was to spend some time away from the secret bar, coming to the conclusion that it just wasn’t good for his mental state at the moment. He worked six nights a week, and spent his days making sure everything was in order, or spending time with his family.

Priya mostly worked nights as well, by sheer dumb luck, Adil supposed. The two of them would often go out, talk about things that were going on. As always, Adil told his older sister everything. She was the only one he could trust.

Though Adil still had one secret. The fact that he still couldn’t get over Toby. It still felt so _pathetic_. It had been six months now. That should have been enough.

It was a gorgeous day when Adil and Priya found themselves picnicking in a park near Adil’s apartment. They had packed sandwiches and fruit and thermoses of tea.

Despite all the niceness, Adil was feeling pretty low. Everything just seemed so _dark_ at the moment. He had had a dream the night before, a dream with Toby in it. He had awoken, mostly expecting himself to be wrapped around his former lover like they always got when they shared a bit, but the bed was cold and empty. It took a couple minutes for Adil to remember everything, and remembering it all made him feel empty. Numb.

This was not how he was going to get over Toby.

“Are you alright, Adil?”

Priya was looking at him with concern. He must have zoned out again…that was something that wasn’t really getting better either. “I’m fine,” Adil said, but it didn’t even sound right to him.

“You look dreadful.”

“I didn’t sleep very well.”

“Please tell me, Adil.”

Adil took a deep breath, looking down at the blanket they were sitting on. “I’m still in love with Toby,” he blurted out. “I can’t get him out of my head, or make him go away. I think about him all the time. It’s why I couldn’t be with Bernard or have a one night stand. It’s been six months, and Toby still isn’t going away.”

Although Adil had thought it was a secret he had to keep to himself, it felt good to spill it all to Priya. The secret had been feeling heavier and heavier…this alleviated that in many ways. Priya was the only living soul who could know any of this, and she did now. That would make a difference. That _had_ to make a difference.

“Oh, Adil,” Priya looked just as pained as Adil felt. She put her hand over his. “Six months isn’t that long. What you and Toby had…it was something pretty special. And even if it wasn’t meant to be, it’s going to take longer than six months to move on.”

In all fairness, Adil had been thinking that anyway. It was like a dagger to the heart to hear it, though. Especially from Priya. His sister was right most of the time.

“It’s not fair,” Adil felt tears welling up in his eyes. “I just want him to…leave me alone.”

“It’ll happen in time,” Priya said reassuringly. “It’ll get easier and easier, and one day you’ll wake up and it’ll all be behind you.”

Priya made it sound so _easy_. Adil was pretty sure it would not be that easy. If everything leading up to now proved anything, it was that there was absolutely no way it was going to be that easy. Adil had seen his sister get over heartbreak, but she had always been able to pick up easier than he had. And she had Jayadev now. God, it had to be so much easier being straight. It was almost unfair that Priya could eventually find the perfect man for her when Adil would probably never find his.

But Adil couldn’t say anything about any of his thoughts, so he just have a half shrug.

“I’m serious, Adil,” Priya knew him too well. “Just…have a little faith.”

Adil gave a humorless snort. “Right, okay. A little faith.”

“Adil,” Priya took his hands and looked in his eyes. “I know how much it hurts now. I know you and Toby…” she trailed off, obviously trying to think of the right thing to say. “I know you and Toby thought you’d spend your lives together. That’s not just going to…go away. Not right away, not this quickly. But you won’t be in this much pain forever.”

The tears that had been pooling in Adil’s eyes started to fall. He knew it would be smart to trust his sister. She was smart, and knew how these things went. But it still hurt.

“Thank you, Priya,” Adil finally whispered.

“You’re home now,” Priya said gently. “I can be here like this whenever you need.”

“Right, home.”

The word still didn’t feel right to Adil, but he plastered on a smile anyway. He should trust his sister. After all, who could he trust if not Priya?

***

The 30th of June found Adil alone in his flat, a bottle of wine in hand. He hadn’t even bothered to find a glass, drinking right out of the bottle.

_“Toby, everyone is going to think you’re an alcoholic with all the time you spend at the bar.”_

_“If anyone deserves to be an alcoholic, it’s me. And if anyone deserves to get to look at their gorgeous lover behind the bar, it’s me.”_

_“I don’t think it works that way.”_

_“I think it does.”_

Halfway through 1941 and Adil had very little to show for his move from London. Too much time with his family. A completely disastrous failed semi-relationship. In all fairness, he liked his job, and his flat was quite comfortable, but Adil wasn’t entirely sure if the good outweighed the bad.

He wanted to write to Toby. To see how he was doing. If he had found someone wonderful or was married off to the first woman Lady Hamilton deemed worthy of her son. But there was no way Adil could actually write that letter. He missed Toby so much, but he was sure he was just an afterthought by now.

Toby had surely gotten over Adil by now. Found a nice lover, someone who was more on his level than a lowly Indian barman. Though of course, there was a good chance he had been forced into marriage. Maybe he had both.

So the letter remained unwritten.

“Six months,” Adil said out loud to no one. He took another sip of wine from the bottle. “And barely anything to show for it. Fuck.”

_“Stay over tonight. You’re too drunk to go home.”_

_“I’ll have to be careful in the morning.”_

_“It’s fine. You’re drunk, Adil. It’s not safe out there.”_

Adil raised the wine bottle as if he was giving a toast. “To you, Toby Hamilton. For not getting out of my fucking head. Fuck you.”

He took a long sip from the bottle. It was good he was already home, because he was rather drunk and thought it was a possibility he might just pass out on the floor. Adil wasn’t sure he could make it to his bed.

Toby would have taken care of him. Made sure he was in pajamas, or naked if that was what they wanted. He would have tucked Adil into bed lovingly, even if Toby was just as drunk as Adil was. Toby _always_ took care of him…except for the end of things, of course. Though Toby had redeemed himself in a way, saving Adil from his suicide attempt.

_It wasn’t enough_ , Adil reminded himself of.

_Just get Toby out of your head_ , Adil insisted.

_Just let go_ , Adil begged himself.

_Just say goodbye to Toby already_ , the tears started dripping down his face.

Instead of torturing himself, Adil continued to drink. He’d forget soon.

***

July brought hot, muggy weather that clung to everything, though it wasn’t as bad as a London summer. Adil couldn’t say he missed _that_. Still, he wore light clothes to work and changed into his nicer, heavier clothes in the backroom. Everyone seemed to be doing so, as their uniforms were heavy and weighted. It took every bit of training Adil had to not show just how terrible it was in his uniform blazer.

The nights were worse, though. In the heat, Adil had trouble falling asleep, staring up at the ceiling for hours, flies buzzing around his small flat. He thought about his days at the Halcyon, the early days when he would secretly watch Toby Hamilton. Before he even knew who Toby Hamilton was. Just the quiet, gorgeous young man with a tortured look and eyes Adil thought he could get lost in.

He remembered his first summer working at the Halcyon, when he had first seen Toby, home for the summer holiday. Toby had been so kind to him, something Adil had come to see was a rarity. But Toby wasn’t like the rest of them…hence why Adil had really taken to staring. The way Toby looked at him…maybe there had been something going on from the start…whether the two men knew it or not.

They hadn’t known it. How could they have known that?

Adil was just making things up in his head. It was stupid, really…because he was supposed to be getting over Toby, not remembering these things. That once upon a time, Toby Hamilton had been the most important person in Adil’s life.

_“I’ve loved you for so long now,” Toby had cried when Adil said goodbye. “Since the bomb near Paddington. I should have told you…would things be different if I had just_ told _you?”_

_“I don’t know, Toby…but this is how it is now, and there’s nothing either of us can do about it.”_

As much as Adil hated to admit it, and he only did in the quiet of his room, alone…and not aloud, Toby Hamilton was _still_ the most important person in Adil’s life.

***

The Clarion hosted to a ritzy crowd, the kind Adil had worked with at the Halcyon. It had been a surprise when he saw Bernard show up one night, a beautiful red head hanging off his arm. Adil couldn’t believe it for a moment. He had never thought Bernard would be the type of person to forget who he was for the sake of society. Or perhaps it had been his parents.

There were a million reasons a man might change his ways. It still hurt Adil to see, even if he was done with Bernard being a part of his life.

Much to Adil’s surprise, Bernard came up to his side of the bar, smiling at him. “Adil! How good to see you!”

It didn’t connect. After all, Bernard _did_ know Adil worked at The Clarion. Of course he would be there if Bernard showed up.

“A pleasure, Bernard,” Adil put on his best bartender smile.

“Oh, you know the bartender!” the girl’s voice was squeaky and grated on Adil’s nerves instantly.

“Old friends,” Bernard’s smile was…wrong. It wasn’t the smile Adil had always seen on his face. “Adil, this is my girlfriend Irene. We just wanted to go out for a drink, and I know you had always said it was nice here.”

Adil felt his blood rushing in his ears. _God, Bernard…what are you doing to yourself?_

“Wonderful to meet you, Irene. Can I get you two a drink?”

It felt wrong to be here, everything felt wrong right now. Bernard, the annoying red head hanging off his arm, the two of them, there at the Clarion. What was Bernard hoping to accomplish by showing up there, showing off this woman to Adil? That he was not only done with Adil, but done with being a homosexual? That he had chosen his path in life and this was it?

Adil made drinks for the two of them, mostly in a daze. It was lucky he was such an expert at what he did, otherwise it wouldn’t have worked out too well. He passed over the glasses, trying to catch something he was missing.

“Thank you, Adil. I’ll give you a call sometime…it’s been too long.”

“Too long indeed,” Adil agreed amicably. He wasn’t sure what Bernard was getting out of this, though. “Very nice to meet you, Irene. Enjoy your night.”

He watched them go, Bernard’s hand on Irene’s lower back. Was Adil just fated to a life of pain and rejection? Even if he hadn’t loved Bernard, he had…felt something for him. Was Toby back in the Halcyon bar, his hand on a woman’s lower back just like Bernard was here? Ordering a drink from Tom with a smile that wasn’t actually his?

Bernard called the next day and asked if they could meet for coffee. Against his better judgement, Adil said yes.

***

“It’s my parents,” Bernard blurted out as soon as he and Adil sat down. “There’s just no point to…carry on otherwise.”

“Is that what are lives are?” Adil asked dryly. “Carrying on otherwise?”

“You can’t understand the pressure!”

Maybe he couldn’t, but even so, Adil could never do what Bernard was doing. He’d sooner die than betray who he was. Hell, he almost _did_ die rather than betray who he was. Adil knew he was lucky…of course his parents wanted to see him settle down, and they might hint at neighbors and friends from time to time, but they’d never force him into anything. Most homosexual men with living parents didn’t get that.

“There are always alternatives.”

“Damnit, Adil!” Bernard’s hands were clenched into fists on the table. “There aren’t any alternatives! This is it, this is my life! I’ll marry Irene, be a normal man with a normal life. No fear of being caught with another man, no prison, no nothing. Doesn’t that sounds amazing?”

In a way, it did sound amazing, but Adil could never do that to himself. Even the thought of being with a woman made him sick to his stomach. Maybe he was a rarity himself. Of course, plenty of homosexual men married women. Had families. Were normal men with normal lives.

Well, pretending to be normal men with normal lives.

“I want to be who I am,” Adil said softly. “Even if no one knows it. Even if I have to hide it forever,” he looked down into his cup of coffee. “I could never be with a woman, even if I wanted to. I have far too much self respect.”

“Adil-”

“You’re free to do whatever you want to do, Bernard,” Adil’s voice was dark. “And I know we didn’t part on the best of terms, but…don’t _ever_ parade your future wife in front of me like that again, please. Please?”

The two locked eyes. Adil thought he saw some pain in Bernard’s, but all _he_ felt was anger and betrayal. He wanted nothing to do with any of this. It was one of those moments where he just felt like picking up and leaving again. Go back to London, maybe. London had always been home. But Bristol had been home too, once.

Was Adil just on an endless quest to find something that didn’t even exist?

Standing abruptly, Adil’s eyes narrowed. “I’m done with this, Bernard. I’m serious…don’t come back to the Clarion. I don’t know what you were trying to accomplish by doing so with _her_ , but don’t ever try that again.”

Adil stormed off before Bernard could say or do anything else.

As soon as he got back to his flat, Adil called Priya. Although she arrived with a cheery, “I need to start charging you for psychiatric help,” she held Adil while he cried, promising it couldn’t go on like this forever and Adil just had to have faith.

***

September eighth brought on a whole new pain. A year and a day ago, Adil had kissed Toby in the wine cellar of the Halcyon, but the eighth was even more painful. A year ago they had put a word to what they had. They had become partners. Started a relationship.

He had requested both days off, citing personal reasons. There was no way he could work on days that would be that painful. Adil would them for quiet introspection and meditation. And of course he had reluctantly told Priya and she insisted they do dinner on the eighth. She had wanted to do something on the seventh as well, but Adil had refused.

“Isn’t Jayadev going to need you?” Adil had asked in a last ditch attempt to keep her away another day.

“Jayadev will be fine,” she had waved her hand impatiently. “You need me more.”

The seventh, Adil was able to mostly go about as normal. The eighth was another story. Adil had slept in late, not even feeling like setting an alarm. He had made sure he had nothing to do that day, so sleeping in wasn’t an issue. He had a slow breakfast, read the newspaper and tried to think of anything but what was looming in his mind.

_“I’m meant to be clever. Know how to analyze things. Break them down and understand all the patterns. But I’ve never made sense. Until yesterday.”_

Adil stared at his toast. It was getting soggy, but he just couldn’t bring himself to care. He thought about Toby and that red tie. The day Adil had looked into his eyes and called him Toby. The day they became equals. Two men who wanted to be together.

The phone rang, and Adil hesitantly answered it. “Hello?”

“Are you okay?”

“Priya,” Adil let out a frustrated _huff_. “I’m fine. I just woke up.”

“Okay, you’re definitely _not_ my brother if you just woke up at nine-thirty.”

“It’s okay, really. I just need to be good to myself today.”

There was a silence for just a moment. “You got through yesterday?”

“I did.”

“We’re still doing dinner tonight.”

Adil sighed. “Okay, Priya.”

“I just…” Priya sighed. “I’m worried about you, Adil. You’re trying to do this alone, but you’re not alone. You have me and mama and papa and Dhani. You have a job you like, and you haven’t even been here a year…you’ll start making friends. Just-”

“Have some faith,” Adil’s tone was sharper than he meant it to be. “I know, Priya.”

Another silence. “I’m just trying to help, Adil,” the hurt was clear in Priya’s voice. “I can stop if you’re _that_ insistent on being miserable.”

“I’m sorry, Priya, I’m just-”

“I’ll see you tonight for dinner,” her tone was clipped and Adil felt extremely guilty.

“I’m looking forward to it,” Adil tried to make up for it, but he was pretty sure his sister had already hung up the phone.

Apparently Adil just couldn’t get it right. He was always going to be alone and miserable because he was going to push away everyone that loved him. In the end, it was just going to be Adil. If he couldn’t even stand to be around himself…how was anyone else supposed to be around him?

***

Mid October, The Clarion announced a Christmas masquerade. Adil didn’t think many people would be interested in that, but there was a ton of enthusiasm. He supposed it gave him an excuse to not be alone on the holiday. After all, his family was Hindu and didn’t celebrate…what else would Adil do? He had initially thought of going to the secret bar…he wasn’t avoiding it like he had been now that Bernard was _straight_. Working a Christmas masquerade would be nice, Adil supposed.

Days were passing, quicker than Adil thought they would. He took that as a good thing, that these were the steps to getting over Toby. He still thought about his former lover frequently, but the sharp pain that used to accompany the thoughts had turned into more of a…dull ache.

Adil got a nice mask for the Christmas masquerade. It was simple but stunning, and matched his bartender’s uniform perfectly. He had shown it to Clarence, to make sure it was okay, and Clarence was quite a fan.

In a way, it would be nice to be anonymous for one night.

The morning of the Christmas masquerade, Adil woke in a cold sweat, having woken from a dream about Toby.

These weren’t uncommon, but this one had felt so… _real_. More real than most of them. They were in the bathtub in Toby’s room, a position they were often in. The two always loved a good soak before making love. Or after making love. Or just for the hell of it.

In Adil’s dream, he was relaxed against Toby’s chest, Toby rubbing his knees. Toby leaned in and whispered, _“I love you.”_ into Adil’s ear, which was when he had woken with a start.

So much for a dull ache. The sharp pain was back with a vengeance.

“Tonight is the Christmas masquerade,” Adil said to himself through gritted teeth as he started getting ready. He had some time, so he cleaned up his flat a bit, trying to figure out what to do with the rest of his day. It was a bit cold for a walk, but maybe Adil would anyway. Go to the nearby park and clear his head a bit. Because, at the moment, all he heard in his head was _Toby, Toby, Toby._

The park was nice and empty, and Adil situated himself on a bench overlooking a frozen pond. He just stared out blankly, wondering what he would have gotten Toby for Christmas. Something small and meaningful. Toby would have liked that.

It felt like all the work Adil had done to get Toby out of his head was out the window. Toby was back.

But Adil buried it all as he walked to the Clarion that night. As he stepped in the staff entrance, Adil put his mask on. He got the chance to be someone else for the night…and he wasn’t going to take that for granted.

_“If you could be anyone in the world, who would you be?”_

_“Why do you think I’d want to be someone other than myself?”_

_“Oh come on, Adil! There’s got to be someone.”_

_“There’s not. I like being Adil. And Adil has you, so how could anyone else’s life be better?”_

“Nice mask, Adil!” Bertie, one of the waiters, came in as Adil was about to go out. “Very fitting of you,” he took out his own. “What do you think?” he showed it off.

“It’s wonderful, Bertie,” Adil smiled.

“I’m excited for tonight. It’ll be fun.”

Adil just nodded before heading out, ready to forget everything as much as he could. He could think of plenty of people he’d rather be now. If only he could tell Toby that he had changed his mind.

***

Clarence gave Adil off on New Years since he had worked Christmas. It didn’t matter to Adil either way, but he accepted the night off. He figured he would go to the secret bar, ring in 1942 with a crowd that still had very little to celebrate.

The bar was crowded anyway, a wireless in the corner playing some sort of New Years program. The volume had been turned so high it crackled quite a bit, but no one was paying attention just yet.

Adil sat at the bar, staring at the cocktail in front of him. Despite all the festivities around him, Adil couldn’t bring himself to have any sort of joy. A man sat down beside him. “I’ve never seen someone so damn depressed on New Years. This is a good thing, you know.”

Adil looked over. “I suppose so. Hopefully the new year will be better, right?”

“It can only go up from here,” the man beamed. Adil couldn’t help a slight smile in response to the man’s optimism. “Milton,” he introduced himself, holding out his hand.

“Adil,” Adil shook it.

“You should keep smiling like that. You have a very nice smile.”

Adil couldn’t help but glow slightly at the compliment. Milton was cute enough, with freckles and green eyes and hair that seemed to flop into his eyes. Adil realized he certainly had a type, and Milton fit the _almost Toby_ perfectly. He supposed it worked for now. And one of these days things were going to change. They had to…even if the sharp pain had come back.

“Let me buy you a drink,” Adil finally said.

The two men chatted easily throughout the night. They got along, and seemed to have an endless amount of things to discuss. It was a nice feeling, a feeling Adil hadn’t felt in some time.

_“I must be so boring to you, Toby.”_

_“Rubbish. I could listen to you talk for ages, Adil. You’re the most interesting man in the world.”_

The room quieted as a countdown started from the wireless. Some couples were standing, intertwined together and ready for a midnight kiss. Other men were eyeing each other up, including Milton.

“Adil-”

The countdown ended, and at _one_ , Adil leaned over, pressing a firm kiss onto Milton’s lips.

He didn’t even feel that bad about it.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thank you for reading and the kudos and comments. I love you guys!


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